


Hypotheticals

by WellSchitt



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: David's anxiety, Flirting, Fluff, M/M, Meet-Cute, Teasing, cute fiances, it's so fluffy I'm gonna die, kind of, this show is killing me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-27 23:08:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19799659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WellSchitt/pseuds/WellSchitt
Summary: “I wish I’d met you before you moved here,” Patrick said, breaking a half an hour of silence.David’s head popped up from where he’d been crouched behind the center display rearranging product on a lower shelf. “Ew, why?”“I just wonder what you were like. What you’d have thought of me.”“Well, don’t,” David said, sharply and earnestly enough to pique Patrick’s interest, before moving to a stack of organic cotton dish clothes.





	Hypotheticals

It was a boring day—rainy days at the store were always boring—so Patrick was letting his mind wander as he sipped his tea behind the register. “I wish I’d met you before you moved here,” he said, breaking a half an hour of silence.

David’s head popped up from where he’d been crouched behind the center display rearranging product on a lower shelf. “Ew, why?”

“I just wonder what you were like. What you’d have thought of me.”

“Well, don’t,” David said, sharply and earnestly enough to pique Patrick’s interest, before moving to a stack of organic cotton dish clothes. He started refolding them unnecessarily, and Patrick couldn’t see his face.

“What? Why not?”

There was a long pause. “Um, I just don’t really love focusing on hypotheticals like that, you know? I’m more of a ‘live in the moment’ kind of person. So let’s... live in the moment.” David started stalking towards him, obviously planning to kiss him—his favorite distraction technique.

Patrick liked teasing him too much to let it go. “No hypotheticals, uh huh. You asked me last week to make sure our insurance covers hurricane damage because you read an article about JLo’s vacation home in Key West being destroyed.”

“First of all, global warming-”

“And last night you had an anxiety spiral about turning fifty.”

“Ok, _that’s_ not a hypothetical. That will happen. Fifty is out there, hovering over me in a very real, very horrible, very not-hypothetical way, and I just think it’s best that I emotionally prepare myself.”

“David, you’re thirty five! And you were going into a lot of pretty hypothetical detail about your hair, your crows feet...”

“Would we call that hypothetical, though? Like, have you seen my parents? My mother wears wigs and my dad’s skin looks like driftwood.” He came close again, a hand draping over Patrick’s shoulder and catching, fingers trailing down his arm flirtatiously.

The man was ridiculous.

He was also working extra hard to get Patrick off track. “So since we’ve established that you actually love dwelling on hypothetical situations-”

David pulled his hand away in an obvious fit of pique. “I’d hardly call manifesting a symptom of my anxiety disorder ‘loving-’”

“-why can’t we talk about us meeting before-”

“Okay,” David said, drawing out the word to drown out the question, and Patrick thought he’d won until David went on, “Perhaps it’s more accurate to say that I’m a ‘let the past lie’ kind of person.”

“You mean like you've let your six dead tamagotchis lie in your old mansion’s backyard cemetery-”

“I would have laughed at you, ok?!” David snapped, and Patrick instantly wished he hadn’t pushed—David was upset, genuinely, not just for the heightened drama. “I would have been awful to you, and I don’t want to think about it. I don’t enjoy thinking about how I’d have treated you like a coat rack, or a joke, how I’d have made fun of you in front of my terrible friends to get them to like me—people who don’t deserve to, to launder your $30 Levi’s-” he gestured at Patrick’s pants, managing to be offended by them even in the midst of his rant.

“I got these for $15, actually. There was a sale.”

“Patrick.” David rounded on him, not smiling.

“David.”

They stared at each other.

“You would have hated me,” David said softly.

“Never.” Patrick moved closer to him—he couldn’t _not_ move closer. “I’d have thought you were funny, and absurd, and gorgeous, just like I do now.”

David just shook his head.

“Yep. And coat rack or no, I’d have found a way to get your attention.” He said it with a lot more confidence that he actually felt, because sometimes he’s still amazed he’d gotten David’s attention in this life, in Schitt’s Creek.

“Oh really?” David asked, and Patrick smiled, because it was working.

“Yep. And then I’d have...” Patrick drew him in with a hand on his belt, “I’d have made fun of you with my friends to get them to like me.”

“You would not! You’d have been very star struck and, and awed by my interest... you’d have been Julia Roberts in-“

“Do _not_ say Pretty Woman,” Patrick groaned, thanks to his regrettable new familiarity with her pantheon of roles. “I’m middle class, David, not the prostitute to your Richard Gere. And I absolutely _would_ have made fun of you. Alexis showed me a video of you back then, in a pair of high heels you apparently used to wear, and speaking of prostitutes...”

“Excuse me, those were-”

“Some very expensive brand I’ve never heard of, I know, but they were also impossible to walk in. You were stumbling around like a baby gazelle.” Patrick grinned up at his fiancé. Ridiculous, David was so ridiculous, and he loved him so much.

“Hmm, I did sprain my ankle once, ah, maybe thrice... you know what, _that’s_ how we would have met! I’d have fallen into your arms on the street, you’d have valiantly insisted on squiring me to an emergency room-”

“Mocking you all the while-”

Waving his words away, David continued, “And I’d have seen through your bland business major charade and fallen head over Givenchy heels for you, just like I did here.”

“Just like you did here.” Jesus, he was so lucky. David was smiling, pleased with their revision of history and sadly no longer intent on kissing him now that he no longer required a distraction.

Patrick pulled him in and kissed him instead, softer than usual. “There’s no hypothetical situation where I don’t fall in love with you.”

“Alright,” David said, looking pleased by either Patrick’s kiss or his sincerity. Then, breaking away, he added, “You would be Julia Roberts, though,” and proceeded to go into extensive hypothetical detail about buying Patrick a new wardrobe on 5th Avenue.

For once Patrick let him chatter on without teasing him, even patiently glancing at the pictures of couture outfits his excited fiancé pulled up on the store computer.

It passed the rainy afternoon, anyway, and despite their earlier conversation, it left him glad, for many expensive and flouncy reasons, that he hadn’t met David before Schitt’s Creek.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at well-schitt.tumblr.com <3


End file.
